On the rocks alert: Prince Albert's secret $1 billion divorce deal

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The deal that Monaco has with France is all about the royal line. If there's somebody in the Grimaldi clan ready to be the next prince, they get to go on being their own little and ridiculously rich country. If not, it gets swallowed up by France. (This rule was strictly enforced back in Grace Kelly's day. It's a little more lax now.)

In any case, the Globe says Prince Albert and his bride, a South African swimmer named Charlene Wittstock, are already on the outs and there will be a secret divorce costing one billion dollars.

For those of you keeping score at home, the wedding was this July. If this story is to be believed, their fairy tale wedding blew up in their faces faster even that Kim'n'Kris. No matter how you slice it, that's some really expensive sex.

Or if you believe the nearly constant rumors, lack of same.

On the rocks alert and Man Slut warning: Kris Humphries does his Ashton Kutcher impression.

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Here it is, October 20, but the magazine that hit the stand today are dated October 31. These Halloween gossip rags bring no treats for little hobbit hottie Kim Kardashian and her orc groom Kris Humphries. Earlier stories of trouble in their months old marriage were all over the place, but this week two magazines have agreed on a narrative.

Kris is a man slut and Kim is going to kick him to the curb. Here are the headlines.

• Star: Breaking News
  Kim & Kris THE END
  'He never really loved her' - shocking tell-all
  Kris leaves town alone
  She catches him with two women
  They taunt Kim with the details
  Now: a divorce lawyer
• Weekly Life & Style: Friends and family confirm
  Headed for a split!
  Has Kris cheated already?
  Kris caught with a blonde at 5 a.m.
  Kim's ring is off
  Inside their screaming fights
  The Kardashians scramble to protect their millions
  

Rich people are rich: Michelle Obama's spending out of control!

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The Globe gets in on the story the other Wicked Step Sister tabloids have been trying to sell for a while now, that Michelle Obama is spending like a crazy person. Here are the headlines.

• Vacations
• Fashions
• Parties
• Now she wants movie star's $28 million mansion
  

Rich people are rich: The auction of Elizabeth Taylor's jewels.

Publication: People
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Miss Elizabeth Taylor makes the cover of a gossip rag one more time months after her death, this time announcing the auction of her fabulous jewel collection. Here are the headlines.

• Elizabeth Taylor's Jewels
• Amazing auction sneak peek!

On the rocks alert: Jada moves out.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A lot of stories about marriages crumbling this week and Enquirer has three under the banner headline "Dirty Divorces!" Often I put all of these stories together in a single post, but this week many other mags have stories about the same relationships, so I will treat each sad story separately.

Only the Enquirer gives us an update on the marital woes of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith. According to that mag, she has moved out and he is preparing for an ugly $300 million split.

Rich people are rich: Inside the homes of the stars!

Publication: People
Date: 1o Oct. 2011

People has an exclusive story touring the homes of several stars, including Simon Cowell, Lauren Conrad, Cher and more.

Meanest story nominee: Demi & Ashton's $290 million divroce!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 October 2011

It was thirteen months ago when Star broke the story about Ashton Kutcher cheating. For a few weeks, several of the supermarket rags piled on, but nothing came of it. This week, Star again accuses Kutcher of cheating and uses the majority of the cover to say it's the end of the marriage. Here are the headlines.

• They've been living apart for months
• Ashton's serial cheating exposed
• His secret fling with Britney Spears
• World exclusive: It's over!
• The final showdown

Kutcher has responded on Twitter with a link to the Public Enemy song Don't Believe The Hype.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

UPDATE: One week later, this story is on six covers, so whether a divorce actually comes of it or not, in retrospect this gets a Scoop of the Week label.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Oprah tricked out of millions by Gayle!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If it's a nasty story about Oprah Winfrey, you can bet it will be in one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, this time in The Flagship, the National Enquirer. If we are to believe them, always a risky proposition, things aren't going well with The Big O and her galpal Gayle King. Here are the headlines.

• Oprah tricked out of millions by Gayle
• Oprah blasts: "You used me!"
• plus: Shocking new lawsuit claims Gayle's a con artist
  

Meanest story nominee: Michelle Obama spends $10 million of YOUR tax dollars on vacation!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids have been attacking the people in the White House since at least Bill Clinton, but there have been several stories of a different nature about the Obamas that imply that they are stealing from the American People.

You know... because they're colored.

Here are this week's headlines about Michelle Obama from the low rent Examiner.

• Michelle Obama spends $10 m of your tax dollars on vacation
• Special report
• Taxpayers sue to get it back
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

OK! features Kim'n'Kris AND Jen and Justin on the cover in a compare and contrast.

Publication: OK!

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, combines two popular stories this week into a compare and contrast, with the real connection being that both Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston are moving into new homes. Here are the headlines.

• New homes for new babies!
  
  
• Who's homesick
• Who wants a bigger closet
• Who will have the best nursery

Of course, neither woman has yet confirmed a pregnancy, but that never stops OK!

Rich people are rich: Hollywood's 50 richest women.

Publication: Star

Date: 29 August 2011



Star has a small blurb on the cover about the 50 richest women in Hollywood. Instead of going with pictures of the most popular gossip celebrities, they have a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker, who has a movie coming out in the middle of next month.

And they put in a picture of Britney Spears, who is currently on tour.

Rich People Are Rich: Billy Crystal duped in baseball scam!

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 22 August 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Billy Crystal! Billy's first successes in show business are after I graduate high school, so this does not count as Hey Old Timer Gossip. Still, he is getting mentioned in the older skewing low rent Examiner for the same reason the Oscars don't think of him as a good permanent host. He's not part of the hip demographic anymore.

In any case, the low rent Examiner says that baseball fan Crystal lost $239,000 in a baseball scam. They don't make it exactly clear how it happened, but I assume it had to do with shady memorabilia.

Rich people are rich: The richest teens.

Publication: People

Date: 22 August 2011

People has a story on the world's richest teens, with pictures of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez as junior fat cats instead of puppy love pals.

Mansion death mystery

Publication: People

Date: 15 August 2011



People has a picture of young Max Shacknai, a 6 year old boy who died from injuries of a fall in a mansion in Coronado, California, with the headline "Mansion death mystery".

Record execs to Dolly Parton: "You're too old!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 15 August 2011

The country part of the music industry is supposed to be built on fan access, but the people running it can be just as creepy as the rest of the very creepy business. The low rent Examiner writes that Miss Dolly Parton's record company wanted to dump her, so she bought the record company.

Good thinking, Miss Dolly. If Columbia could be so stupid as to get rid of Johnny Cash, there is clearly no honor amongst these thieves and you should do everything you can to protect yourself.

Rich people are rich: Kim's wild Vegas party.

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

Only one story about Kim K. on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week. She threw a party in Vegas.

That hardly seems like news, does it? They are always partying in Vegas.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Rich People are Rich: This week's Jen and Justin news.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two new stories about the Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux romance are in the supermarket rags this week, and they both point in the same positive direction. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Jen & Justin: $60 million mansion
• Star: Jen and Justin set the date (Exclusive)

I don't know if any of the stories can be trusted, but I do know with recent pictures, Justin has finally shaved off that ridiculous beard.

It may be his "deer in the headlights" look, but I'm going to have to get used to this. I imagine Jen feels the same.

Rich people are rich: Royal visit stories.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The are a lot of stories about Wills or Kate or both this week, but only two focus on the visit that just ended. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Inside the royal visit
  all the photos
• People: Dazzling! Will & Kate Conquer America
  14 pages of Royal Tour photos
  Gowns! Glamour! Private moments!

Wills'N'Kate in The New World.

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Now that the young royals are on this side of the Atlantic, the American gossip rags are all over the story. People mentioned only Kate, but three other mags mentioned the couple. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kate & William American Vacation album
• Globe: William & Kate baby drama
  Too thin royal bride's secret visit to a U.S. fertility clinic -Palace insiders reveal
• Us Weekly: Kate & Will's photo diary
  Secrets of the Royal Visits
  Kate brought 40 outfits!
  Their intimate date - in a log cabin
  She's talking about a baby!

The Globe can't help but be negative, while all the rest of the coverage has been glowing.

Stay classy, Globe!